Really? You, Life, Thought of Another Way to Kick My Ass

“Don’t forget the songs that made you cry/And those that saved your life./You’re older now and a clever swine/But they were the only ones who ever stood by you.”

Well, the stress of earlier this week has been compound and spread out to all sorts of corners of my life. (YAY Me!!) I’m not going to get into it, except to say that I would love to call a life time-out right now. Not that I think I’ll manage to coach my team back to victory–but, rather, just to take a breather, so that when the next wheel comes off my life, I will at least look composed as I plummet off the cliff.

Paragraph Two will start right about now. So, some good things, just to remind myself that there are good things: our pool team won our tournament. I think this means we get to move on to the regionals and, if by some miracle we won there, on to Vegas. I’m not really sure how that all works as this is the first time my team (since I joined) won our playoff matches. Yesterday’s weather was beautiful. Perfect golf weather–and I even played decently. I’m trying to use my woods more and gain more confidence with them…because a guy who can’t handle his wood will never get it near the hole (as a wise philosopher once said).

We;ll, that’s good. That last sentence of mine made me cringe–but at least it was because of something goofy I wrote instead of  because I’m thinking “how can I get up tomorrow and the next day and the next and keep on keeping on when all I want to do is melt.” You know, not a good cringe at all.

Anyway, I must go now, dear readers. I’m not sure where you all are coming from, but I suspect someone is fluffing up their spam page with some randumb links like this one.

At any rate, thanks for stopping by.

The Rage of Taliban (you know, the one from “The Tempest”, not the religious/military group)

And the forecast for today is, tah tah dah, more rain. Clearly the weather for the past several weeks has been a pretty good reflection of me.

One good thing about this weekend’s “Apocalypse Not So Much Now” is that I can now spell apocalypse pretty much without even thinking about it. Bad thing about it is for all I know the Raptured happened, just not to anyone I know. What if the entire Hindu world has gone missing? And there were earthquakes–there quite often are; a volcano erupted–those sometimes happen; and I wondered if I could have made some money off of the end of days. Well, maybe next one.

That was pretty much the only good thing about the weekend. Well, that and Packy got to pitch–and he did pretty well for a first year player in his league. He started pitching with a really big lead and, by the time he was done, still had decent sized lead.

On Friday I went downtown and had my own little Latin Festival. Woot Woot!  But I will skip the details for now. Nothing that I need to etch into yourcollective memories.

This weekend I also learned that I can’t get pissed at people for being who they are or not being who you expected. Especially when they are a perfectly wonderful person. Finally I can apply Mumford and Sons to myself (not that I’ve been looking to be able to): “It was not your fault but mine…I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I my dear?” But, it should be obvious to most everyone that I haven’t exactly been on a roll lately.

I’m still trying to figure out if i’m feeling the rage of Taliban upon looking in the mirror and seeing his face; or the rage of Taliban upon looking and not seeing it.

Well, speaking of looking it’s about time to go and I’m looking forward to getting home and taking a nap. That is my entire goal for this evening.  Oh, that and try to make a quiche. Or, as we say around the ol’ water cooler, “Egg Pie.”

Word.

Your Handy Rapture Q & A Session

As a public service, I will now answer some of the many questions that have poured into my inbox in recent days.

Q: Dear TIRH, I’m told I should wear a white outfit for the Rapture to symbolize my purity. Is this true?

A: It’s before Memorial Day, you do the Math. Oh and God doesn’t really need you pointing yourself out with a special outfit–tac-ky! Just wear those same frumpy polyester clothes all of the other Chosen Ones are likely to be wearing.

Q:  Dear TIRH, what will Earth be like after the Rapture?

A: It will be a godless place with questionable values. There will be violence and war, hunger, suffering and poverty. The Kardashians will still be on TV. Yeah, pretty much the same.

Oh, except Christian bookstores will be hard to find.

Q: Dear TIRH, speaking of that, why does it always seem to be extreme Christians who think they are going to be Raptured?

A: Yeah, wouldn’t it be funny if all of those who think they are the ”Chosen” are left behind and a bunch of Hindus and Buddhists are the only real Chosen ones? That would make the coming conflagration TOTALLY worth it.

Q: Dear TIRH, do you think you will be raptured?

A: It’s not likely that I’m on God’s guest list, but I am still hoping to be someone’s plus one.

Q: Dear TIRH, To be honest, I don’t think any of my friends will be raptured, so how will I know the event happened?

A: Good question. Umm, dead air on Family Stations Inc.?

Q: Dear TIRH, can you point me to the verse in the Bible that predicts the Rapture?

A: Of course, let me quote a passage from the Rapture here for you:

“And you don’t stop, sure shot
Go out to the parking lot
And you get in your car and you drive real far
And you drive all night and then you see a light
And it comes right down and lands on the ground
And out comes a man from Mars
And you try to run but he’s got a gun
And he shoots you dead and he eats your head
And then you’re in the man from Mars
You go out at night, eatin’ cars
You eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too
Mercuries and Subarus
And you don’t stop, you keep on eatin’ cars
Then, when there’s no more cars
You go out at night and eat up bars where the people meet
Face to face, dance cheek to cheek
One to one, man to man
Dance toe to toe
Don’t move too slow, ’cause the man from Mars
Is through with cars, he’s eatin’ bars
Yeah, wall to wall, door to door, hall to hall
He’s gonna eat ‘em all
Rapture, be pure.”

As you can see, it’s going to suck for the rest of us who aren’t chosen.

Q: Dear TIRH, the idea of post-Apocalyptic looting has been popular, especially on Facebook. Did you join that group?

A: Yes, but only ironically. If you think about it, what’s there going to be to loot? Do any of the Chosen Ones sell ANYTHING the rest of us want to buy? When you bust into an electronics store to jack a flatscreen, you will be greeted by pretty much all the same workers you would have been before the Rapture. After all, do you think anyone who has pushed that useless in-store insurance is going to be one of the Chosen Ones?

Looting-wise, the best you can hope for is some Bibles, non-caffeinated beverages, and frocks. Oh, and, oddly enough,  Hardees restaurants. Go figure–the it was Chosen Ones who kept the Hardees franchise going.

Q: Dear TIRH, if I understand correctly there might very well be some people who think they are the Chosen Ones who, in fact, aren’t. How do you think they will react to the disappointment?

A: I strongly suspect they will be swearing, fornicating, and taking the Lord’s name in vain. They will eat gluttonously and drink alcohol immoderately. In other words, after the Rapture you should find them if you’re looking for an easy hook up.

Q: Dear TIRH, correct me if I’m wrong, but if some of the Chosen aren’t really the Chosen, isn’t it likely there are some who do not expect to be the Chosen, but who in fact are the Chosen?

A: First of all, let me commend you on your inability to clearly ask a question. Well done.

But, to answer your question: Yes! In fact I have it on good authority (at this point you have to picture me pointing toward heaven and nodding “yes” as if to indicate, “I do mean Him.”) that God has a soft spot for the tragically hip. Can’t you just picture a hipster, sitting in a coffee shop sipping on his chai, making ironic comments about the “Redneck Rapture” when, VOOSH!, next thing he knows he’s in heaven, sitting in a coffee shop sipping on an even better chai, making snide comments about all the would-be hipsters down there who not only do not know about the best coffee shop, but they still deny its existence.

Q: Dear TIRH, what will you be doing after the Rapture?

First of all, I’ll be checking to make sure that the pre-Rapture rental deposit I made for my summer vacation wasn’t lost in a firestorm or what have you.  Then, perhaps, find a false idol to worship. I might take a few moments to covet my neighbor’s wife. Then, I’m going to try to come up with a few mildly funny Apocalypse stories to share at the next garden party. Then that night I’m heading out in order to find some drunky not-chosen Chosen one who would like to cry on my shoulder.

Oh,  and just a reminder folks, don’t burn yourself out early–we’ve got five months before the final complete end of the world. It’s all about pacing. Nobody likes the guy who passes out at 11:30 on New Year’s Eve.

Finally, to all my dear readers, I hope you enjoy the Apocalypse. And if you are Raptured, be sure to update your Facebook status so we don’t wait all night for you to show up at the bar!

To Do List Before the Rapture

In case you hadn’t heard, the Rapture is coming up a lot sooner than you think. Apparently those Mayans were wrong. The end of the world as we know it will be happening a short ten days away.

So, hella, you better believe I will be making the to do list to end all to do lists. But that will be another day.

Today, I merely want to link to THE BEST news story evah in this wacky pre-armageddon world.

See you tomorrow.

“Oh…nothing very definite.”

I’m very much feeling like Vladimir and Estragon right now. They spend their day waiting for Godot, not even sure of why they are waiting for him or of what will happen if they do in fact meet him. And, like their plight, I’m still waiting and wondering. But what else can I really expect?

Yesterday was my older son’s high school orientation. It had slipped my mind that I knew one of the guidance councelors–but it totally shocked me when I realized that my son knew her from when he was like five years old! (She had worked at a coffee shop that his grandmother had frequented with he and his brother in tow). The evening was fine, except that our particular tour seemed to get done about 15 minutes before any of the others. We definitely got the discount tour. Hope that guy doesn’t turn out to be the guidance councelor we’d have to deal with. But we often have ways of making that happen.

Oh, and my younger son’s team won their first baseball game of the year–I had to miss it because of the above mentioned open house. He didn’t do so great at the plate 0-2, but he was psyched about the big first win.

Speaking of being psyched about wins, I won my first (and probably only) pool match of this session. *flashes pool playing gang sign* And I did it handily–winning three in a row.

Go team, yay.

Of course, though, there’s the other side of my day. Writing ed plans, doing testing, having a really really difficult visit with my father at the hospital, and just generally feeling out of sorts with this effing inscrutable world that I have created for myself.

Anyway, dear readers, I hope yours is better than mine.

Not an E Ticket Ride Week

So the last week or so has been a strange combination of real happiness, real sadness, and some plain old crappy luck. I’m certainly not going to go into many details–(because really, what does one expect from a piece of writing? details? Oh please, so passe) but suffice it to say, please lord get me out of this seeming tailspin, but feel free to leave the happy parts in place.

The boys and I went to Six Flags on Sunday. The weather was absolutely perfect. Bright sun, perfect temperature and–perhaps best of all–no long lines. The boys were able to ride their choice of rides all day long. I myself only went on a couple, but that’s fine. I like just hanging out and being with them. It turns out that my lunch duty buddy/co-worker was there with her friends–but we never ran into each other. Five hours in the park and I didn’t see her? What are the odds of that?

Of course, since I had the enormous car expense back on Thursday I had no extra money. Six Flags would not be pleased to know that all that was spent that day was $6.50 by Dan (on a milkshake) and $6 by Pat, in the arcade. And he loves his arcades. At one point he said to me, “You know why I like arcades so much? Because they’re just like casinos, except without the card games.” …not sure if that should be a warning sign, but he is so damned adorable when he says stuff like that.

Anyway, I’m looking ahead to brighter days, even though I have no reason to believe they are just ahead. Actually, even breaking even for a while would be nice. But, whatever happens will happen. It always does.

How Plastic Saved Me-a fable

Today is such a beautiful day–which only serves to remind me that yesterday was not quite so nice. And that was, of course, because I had to take the day off to get my car fixed. And with my mechanic being pretty far from my home, my plan was to walk down to the library for a couple/few hours and read books and use the internet and get some work done, etc.

What I had failed to take into account as I worked on my laptop was that– about a half hour before I was set to walk back uptown–a vicious and hard rainy thunderstorm broke out.

Thought I, “I’m going to get wet”.

Followed by my next thought: “Oh shite. My laptop can’t get soaking wet.”

A bit of a quandary, indeed. I thought briefly of just trying to leave the laptop with the librarian, but I figured they wouldn’t want to take on that responsibility. So, I thunk another minute or two and then thought I’d rearrange things in the bag when, lo and behold, I discovered that I had an old plastic bag in my computer bag (I think the plan was to transport soda cans in it but it had long been forgotten in there).

And it made a perfect condom for my computer. (Never thought I’d write that sentence.

Trouble was, though, as I walked, my feet eventually became soaked and as the rain got hard once again, the rest of me did too. Pretty miserably wet. But my computer remained comfy and dry thanks to my friend, the plastic bag.

Anyway, I would write more about this misadventure, but I have to get back to work.

Powerful Tired

I don’t know about you but I’m pretty impressed with how tired I am today. Trying to work on two hours of sleep truly sucks ass. Maybe something I could’ve done when I was younger, but not today. Not looking to the hour commute home. Oh, and

 Not saying that I’m old or anything…

Not sure how much more I will get to write. I had a longer time set aside for writing, but a fire drill just cut into my time. Oh well, at least it was nice outside. A little muggy and feeling perhaps a bit too much like rain. I’m supposed to golf today and rain would put a damper on it. Or at least make it damper out on the course.

So, let’s see, what else is there to cover–if I weren’t tired I’m sure I’d have a boatload of ideas but, as it is, I have at best a skiffload.

The boys and I went to Six Flags on Friday. The first of many trips I expect. One annoying thing (well for them more so than I) was that not once, but twice, they waited in line only to have the ride close while they were in line. Yes, a wasted hour. What was even odder was that they were never actually told the ride had been closed down. They had to notice that the line had stopped moving and that the rollercoaster was alternately not coming by for a while or going by empty.

Let’s see, what else…oh, I made quiche for the first time on Sunday. And it was easy and tasty. My mind is now racing with the endless tasty possibilities for filling one of those bad boys up.

I really could use a nap. The kind that ends up lasting four or five hours and you wake up not knowing what day it is or if it’s morning or afternoon or you wonder why your couch is drool covered or … well, you see what I mean.

Anyway, kids, I gotta go pack up. Then shoot home (hopefully without napping on the pike, you know one of those naps that are rudely ended by the sound of that choppy pavement that’s in the breakdown lane) then head out to golf. I really hope it doesn’t rain, golf will be a nice, relaxing way to turn that nap into going to sleep at a decent, normal hour (you know one of those…) and, fingers crossed, a full night’s sleep without interruption.

But I’m not banking on that.

Vacation

An old quote from a former co-worker.

“I don’t know what this shit is but it ain’t Cuervo!”

She was certainly a charmer in  her own kinda way!

So, right now, my last day before vacation is winding down like…um, like,…well, like something that winds down slowly. I’m mostly staring out of the window and thinking of someone and wishing she were here. Or, maybe, that I were there. Or even better, that we were both somewhere else.  Yeah, somewhere sunny and interesting and cool.

My vacation starts in twenty three minutes. Though I only have a coupla daytrip plans, I’m looking forward to it. By the time we get back to school it’ll be the last week of April! The school year has been flying by, indeed.

Well, that’s all for now…

Placeholder

Sometimes I put things in here just because I have no other place that they will fit and I don’t want to forget them

Quotes for an upcoming movie script:

“Naturally, when she told me she was serving mimosas for breakfast, I stopped by there. But to be honest,  I think that those mimosas were made with cold duck and Tang.”

“She hit me in the head with a ball-peen hammer! I say, who goes around bashing people with a ball-peen hammer? I was outraged.”

As you can see, I carry burdenously weighty thoughts around my skull all day.