Your Handy Rapture Q & A Session

As a public service, I will now answer some of the many questions that have poured into my inbox in recent days.

Q: Dear TIRH, I’m told I should wear a white outfit for the Rapture to symbolize my purity. Is this true?

A: It’s before Memorial Day, you do the Math. Oh and God doesn’t really need you pointing yourself out with a special outfit–tac-ky! Just wear those same frumpy polyester clothes all of the other Chosen Ones are likely to be wearing.

Q:  Dear TIRH, what will Earth be like after the Rapture?

A: It will be a godless place with questionable values. There will be violence and war, hunger, suffering and poverty. The Kardashians will still be on TV. Yeah, pretty much the same.

Oh, except Christian bookstores will be hard to find.

Q: Dear TIRH, speaking of that, why does it always seem to be extreme Christians who think they are going to be Raptured?

A: Yeah, wouldn’t it be funny if all of those who think they are the ”Chosen” are left behind and a bunch of Hindus and Buddhists are the only real Chosen ones? That would make the coming conflagration TOTALLY worth it.

Q: Dear TIRH, do you think you will be raptured?

A: It’s not likely that I’m on God’s guest list, but I am still hoping to be someone’s plus one.

Q: Dear TIRH, To be honest, I don’t think any of my friends will be raptured, so how will I know the event happened?

A: Good question. Umm, dead air on Family Stations Inc.?

Q: Dear TIRH, can you point me to the verse in the Bible that predicts the Rapture?

A: Of course, let me quote a passage from the Rapture here for you:

“And you don’t stop, sure shot
Go out to the parking lot
And you get in your car and you drive real far
And you drive all night and then you see a light
And it comes right down and lands on the ground
And out comes a man from Mars
And you try to run but he’s got a gun
And he shoots you dead and he eats your head
And then you’re in the man from Mars
You go out at night, eatin’ cars
You eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too
Mercuries and Subarus
And you don’t stop, you keep on eatin’ cars
Then, when there’s no more cars
You go out at night and eat up bars where the people meet
Face to face, dance cheek to cheek
One to one, man to man
Dance toe to toe
Don’t move too slow, ’cause the man from Mars
Is through with cars, he’s eatin’ bars
Yeah, wall to wall, door to door, hall to hall
He’s gonna eat ‘em all
Rapture, be pure.”

As you can see, it’s going to suck for the rest of us who aren’t chosen.

Q: Dear TIRH, the idea of post-Apocalyptic looting has been popular, especially on Facebook. Did you join that group?

A: Yes, but only ironically. If you think about it, what’s there going to be to loot? Do any of the Chosen Ones sell ANYTHING the rest of us want to buy? When you bust into an electronics store to jack a flatscreen, you will be greeted by pretty much all the same workers you would have been before the Rapture. After all, do you think anyone who has pushed that useless in-store insurance is going to be one of the Chosen Ones?

Looting-wise, the best you can hope for is some Bibles, non-caffeinated beverages, and frocks. Oh, and, oddly enough,  Hardees restaurants. Go figure–the it was Chosen Ones who kept the Hardees franchise going.

Q: Dear TIRH, if I understand correctly there might very well be some people who think they are the Chosen Ones who, in fact, aren’t. How do you think they will react to the disappointment?

A: I strongly suspect they will be swearing, fornicating, and taking the Lord’s name in vain. They will eat gluttonously and drink alcohol immoderately. In other words, after the Rapture you should find them if you’re looking for an easy hook up.

Q: Dear TIRH, correct me if I’m wrong, but if some of the Chosen aren’t really the Chosen, isn’t it likely there are some who do not expect to be the Chosen, but who in fact are the Chosen?

A: First of all, let me commend you on your inability to clearly ask a question. Well done.

But, to answer your question: Yes! In fact I have it on good authority (at this point you have to picture me pointing toward heaven and nodding “yes” as if to indicate, “I do mean Him.”) that God has a soft spot for the tragically hip. Can’t you just picture a hipster, sitting in a coffee shop sipping on his chai, making ironic comments about the “Redneck Rapture” when, VOOSH!, next thing he knows he’s in heaven, sitting in a coffee shop sipping on an even better chai, making snide comments about all the would-be hipsters down there who not only do not know about the best coffee shop, but they still deny its existence.

Q: Dear TIRH, what will you be doing after the Rapture?

First of all, I’ll be checking to make sure that the pre-Rapture rental deposit I made for my summer vacation wasn’t lost in a firestorm or what have you.  Then, perhaps, find a false idol to worship. I might take a few moments to covet my neighbor’s wife. Then, I’m going to try to come up with a few mildly funny Apocalypse stories to share at the next garden party. Then that night I’m heading out in order to find some drunky not-chosen Chosen one who would like to cry on my shoulder.

Oh,  and just a reminder folks, don’t burn yourself out early–we’ve got five months before the final complete end of the world. It’s all about pacing. Nobody likes the guy who passes out at 11:30 on New Year’s Eve.

Finally, to all my dear readers, I hope you enjoy the Apocalypse. And if you are Raptured, be sure to update your Facebook status so we don’t wait all night for you to show up at the bar!

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